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Nov 21, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving, You Big Turkey!!!

"Gobble, Gobble, Happy Thanksgiving, You Big Turkey!!!"

If you call my home at any point on Thanksgiving Day, this is the greeting you will get when I answer the phone. So my family RUNS to the phone in order to prevent me from answering in just this way.

One Thanksgiving Morning, many years ago, I picked up the ringing phone and answered it with my customary Turkey Day greeting.

A British Accent responded with "ahhhh... yes, ..... that little holiday that gives all of you Americans an excuse for another day off!".

Now, the company my husband worked for at the time had an office in London, and we were very friendly with his British colleagues, so I wasn't surprised when I heard someone "trying to take the chuff off" - especially on one of our best, biggest, most sacred holidays (hear THAT, Target??).

I said. "What's this? A bit of sour grapes, do I hear?!"..."Sad because you sit in the office while we sit at home, stuffing our selves and watching our favorite sport like Brits on Boxing Day?"... "By the way, what, exactly, do you all do over there on Thanksgiving? It's not like you can work because we are all at home. Is it like a British day of mourning? Do you spend time pondering the loss of a few million acres? The loss of all of that tax revenue? You know, the taxes for which some of my ancestors got no representation in Parliament? And therefore they had to open a big ole can o whoop'ass??"

The Brit on the other end of the line paused for a moment and responded "WHAT?! We were trying to HELP you!! You don't understand! Your ancestors were LOST, and we came to get you back to civilization!".

"Help us!" I said,barely able to stand up I was laughing so hard, "Help us! If YOUR ancestors were here to "help" us, then why were they CHASING us with all of those guns with the bayonettes on the ends??  They just wanted our money and our tobacco, and tried to tax the bejeezus out of our one comfort from home - TEA!!!"

The gentleman kindly explained to me that we were a very expensive, young colony, but he didn't expect me to understand that, as it is WIDELY known throughout Britain that the first subjects of The Colonies, were perhaps not the most shining stars of HRH George's subjects. The "first ones" were rather ... well, of narrow breeding, lacked education, sophistication, culture and a level of taste that one would have found in a higher bred example of the British Subject.

I thought about that for a few beats... "You mean the ones you left behind? Those British Subjects?! The ones who were too dumb to get back on HRH's scows before they RAN back to England?"

We both burst into laughter at that, and then a moment I will never forget occured.... sigh...

I said "Hang on, Paul, I'll get Big Daddy for you".

And the Brit said. "aha. uh. well. hem... I'm ... it would seem... This is actually "Sir Topham Hat" from "One of the Most Important Companies" in Big Daddy's industry." He didn't say those actual words but as names have been changed to protect the guilty, that's the best way to explain it.

Well, if you don't think I about swallowed my tongue, that my scalp felt like it was on fire, that my heart dropped right out of my body and went splat on the floor and that my eyes rolled back into my head, you would be wrong! I actually had to steady myself by putting my hand on the wall. My knees were weak.

My voice broke as I stammered..."OH. Uh... I'm so sorry, I mistook you for "Don Smith" from Big Daddy's London Office. I.... I... I really hope I haven't offended you in anyway. Please PLEASE don't hold it against Big Daddy... hang on!"

So I run like the blazes to the bottom of the stairs, and "whisper yell" up the stairs "GETTHEPHONE, GETTHEPHONE, GETTHEPHONE!!!"

It's Sir Topham Hat and I may have mistakenly caused an international incident. I'm sooooooo sorrrryyyyy."

Ofcourse, Big Daddy is looking at me with those big "What the He!! have you done!" eyes, runs to the phone and picks up.

I ran to the den, sat on the couch, curled up in the fetal position, covered my face, and rocked like a lunatic until he came down stairs for the "explanation".

I heard him coming, his bare feet slapping on the tile floor. I wanted more than anything at that moment to just have the floor open up and swallow me whole.

Fortunately for me, the gentleman I had been speaking to, really was a gentleman, and my husband wanted to know why Sir Topham Hat was worried about the possibility of having offended ME.

He explained to Big Daddy that we'd been having a friendly laugh about that skirmish of 1776 (and again in 1812) that resulted in our Nations "parting ways" in a not so amicable way, though we have since come to an understanding....

Whew! This is one reason I thank the Lord for Caller I.D.!

Well, Gobble Gobble, Happy Thanksgiving, You Big Turkey!




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